GLOU-SSARY

Want to learn some stuff? You can Do that here.

Amphora

People who are obsessed with natural wine love to talk about amphora. Just walk into a wine store and ask about it - everyone will get really riled up. Amphora is basically a winemaking vessel (much like steel tanks or oak barrels) made of clay. Why is it special? Since it’s sorta porous, it does cool sh*t to wine’s color, flavor, and texture. Plus, it’s one of the oldest containers historically used to ferment grape juice, originating thousands of years ago in Georgia. Georgia the country, not the state with peaches and buttermilk biscuits.

Biodynamic Farming

Strap in for some spiritual weirdness that’s otherwise known as biodynamic farming. It’s an organic method of growing grapes, and some elements involved arguably take things a little too far, like that friend you have who blames Mercury for everything and only speaks in iambic pentameter. Case in point: part of the philosophy encourages you to fill a cow’s horn with manure and bury it on the autumn equinox only to dig up that sh*t in the spring. Does it do anything to the soil agriculturally? I don’t have a clue. But the basis of biodynamic farming is really to keep a relatively hands-off approach to ensure that everything is existing in harmony, from dandelion weeds to pudgy bumblebees - And for this, you can thank Austrian philosopher Rudolph Steiner, who basically made all of this stuff up, or something.

Brutal!!!

This dramatically-punctuated word signifies a natural wine that has two things in common. One, that it has not been intervened with in any way (nothing added or removed, a.k.a. Zero-Zero - more on that below). Two, it’s an experimental wine featuring some type of technical flaw that would probably make a snob want to pour it all down the drain and pop a Mentos. All wines with this “distinction” will have an identical label, even if made by completely different producers - a splotchy black void with a scary-looking grim reaper and “Brutal!!!” written in a blocky font.

Carbonic Maceration

A winemaking technique (typically used for reds) that we don’t need to spend too much time gabbing about. Here’s how it works. Grapes aren’t smooshed down but rather kept whole in a tank with a bunch of carbon dioxide pumped inside to keep it company. Then, science: the grapes spontaneously burst like popcorn kernels. Why do we care? We care because somehow, this chemical reaction makes red wine taste light, fruity, and pretty similar to banana-flavored Bubblicious.

Disgorged

When sparkling wine is traditionally whipped up, there’s a bunch of gunk that settles at the bottom of the bottle. That’s dead yeast cells and like, little bits of grape confetti. Sometimes, winemakers don’t want it there, like that one uncle at Thanksgiving who winks too much and exclusively eats the streusel topping scraped off of the sweet potato casserole with reckless abandon the entire night. Anyway, the bottles get tilted around until all of that sh*t eventually shifts toward the neck. Then, the caked-up yeast is frozen so that when the bottle is popped open, that plug of junk shoots out in one fell swoop, hopefully not injuring anyone - especially those that need their good winking eye in tip-top shape. The wine’s resealed and sold to people like me and you and your winky, streusel-loving uncle. That process is called disgorging, and if a bottle of bubbles was disgorged, you can count on it being crystal clear. If not, expect some fun pockets of haziness.

Glou Glou

The French term for “glug-glug,” this is what the hip natty wine kids like to call an easily-crushable wine, like a juicy-fruity chilled red or a fizzy can of low-alcohol piquette. So go forth and glug. Furthermore, do not be afraid to swing open the door of a bottle shop and declare, “I will have one glou glou, please.”

Also, it’s pronounced “glue-glue.” Don’t be a f*cking idiot like me and go around saying “gluh-gluh” for months like some kind of uninformed millennial Jancis Robinson.

Mouse Taint

“Mouse Taint” is a term that probably puts your head in a scary place. But let’s learn. Mousiness is a flaw in natural wine that can be caused by a bunch of scientific phenomena you needn’t concern yourself with (much like spending any amount of time just thinking about the phrase “mouse taint”), but the main thing to take away here is that it makes wine taste like an abandoned subway station full of wet, musty rats - and you have to know that it shouldn’t taste this way. Avoid this flavor at all costs.

Natural Wine

Oh boy, this is a toughie. “But Aimee, I’ve surfed onto this page to learn about natural wine, how do you not know what it is, you idiot?” That’s because it doesn’t have an *official* definition, and not every place in the world has a legal certification process for it. But here’s the gist, to me: in the vineyard, natural wine is made from grapes farmed without pesticides, herbicides, or fungicides. In the cellar, only wild, native yeasts are used instead of commercial ones, very few (if any) sulfites are added, and usually nothing’s taken away through filtering or fining. You can also go ahead and forget about any other additives like sugar or acid.

The end result, is wine. Because if you only take one thing away from this whole to-do, it’s that not all natural wines taste/look like kombucha or sour beer or barnyard animals having one big orgy on a bale of hay. Natural wine is not a taste - it’s a winemaking approach. So open your mind and open your mouth.

Pét-Nat

This stands for “pétillant naturel,” which literally means “naturally sparkling” in French - which means that some of the fermentation (and all of the carbonation creation) happens after the bottle is sealed, so uncorking one of those bad boys is a real gamble. It might let out a demure little femme fatale-like hiss, or it might erupt like Mt. St. Helens and get foam and sediment and sh*t all over everything you own. Conclusion: it’s delicious enough to roll the dice. But how’s it different from other sparkling wines, like Champagne, you ask? Good question. One: Champagne undergoes two fermentations, the second one kicked off by adding sugar and yeast - whereas our beloved pét-nat only has the one, and you better believe nothing’s added (have you copied that by now?). Two: sometimes, pét-nat isn’t disgorged, whereas Champagne typically is (see above if you already forgot what that means).

Piquette

Piquette is an old-school type of wine that’s back, baby. It originated in the 19th century, meant for vineyard workers and farmers to slurp after a long hot day doing crop stuff. You start out with grape pulp that was already used to make wine in the first place. That leftover mush gets mixed with water and then fermented again to create a spritzy, low-ABV cooler. That kinda sounds absolutely gross, but trust that it’s really good. Definitely way better than Arbor Mist.

Orange Wine

All grapes have skin (they’re just like us!). And when white wine is usually produced, they’re separated from the skins immediately. But it doesn’t have to always be this way. By fermenting them with their skins for just a little bit (or a lot) before de-skinning, what you get is an end result that looks like anything from a glass of Tang to an Aperol spritz to Dayquil. Behold, orange wine. It’s like white, but with more strength and boldness. Think Parks & Rec Chris Pratt vs. Guardians Of The Galaxy Chris Pratt.

Skin Contact

Does this mean that a winemaker rubbed grapes all over their body? No. Wouldn’t that worry you? When you see the term “skin contact” out in the wild, it’s likely referring to orange wine (see above), a.k.a. juice made from white grapes that have partially fermented on their skins. But if we’re gEtTiNg TeChNiCaL, reds and rosé both count as skin contact wines too...because they also ferment on their skins. But you’ll usually only see orange wines referred to as such.

Tannins

If you have someone in your life who is a chronic sniff-n-swirler when it comes to wine, chances are you’ve heard them comment profusely on “tannins.” These are compounds found in wine (mostly reds and oranges) that make your mouth feel dry and cottony, like the aftermath of a few bong rips, or a spoonful of peanut butter to the face. Want to really nerd out about it? Tannins are found in the skin and stalk of the grape. You’re a nerd for knowing that now.

Unfiltered

It is what it sounds like: unfiltered wine is...not filtered. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re guaranteed to end up with a bottle full of cloudy juice - winemakers can still achieve a clearer wine by allowing the sediment to settle before separating it from the liquid (thanks, gravity!) TL;DR? Not all unfiltered wines are hazy. Unfiltered also refers to the colorful language featured throughout this website, because we’re not holding anything back here.

Unfined

“Wine is vegan because it’s made of grapes, right?” Not so fast, kiddo. Want to LOL? A lot of conventional wine is clarified using things like gelatin, egg whites, and fish bladders! Delicious. Thus, when a bottle hasn’t been fined, it’s for-sure vegan. Even if it kinda tastes like yogurt or prosciutto.

Wet Rocks, Pencil Shavings, & Forest Floor As Wine Descriptors

We won’t be discussing these here. There’s a better way.

Zero/Zero

This one’s for the purists. Zero-Zero is a fun double-stacked word to categorize a wine that has had nothing added to it or taken away. In short, it’s the whole grape and nothing but the grape. No sulfites, no filtering, no fining, no pesticides or herbicides or fungicides used during the growing process, nothing. Zip. Zilch. Just fruit juice that transformed into booze of its own accord. Kudos, grapes.